Marriage Reflections

Marriage Reflections

Have you ever had a memorable Valentine’s Day? I did, in fact there was one I will never forget. My financé (soon to be husband) and I were having dinner with a lovely married couple from church whom we loved and respected.  The evening was filled with fun, excitement, and the quest for marriage advice for our soon approaching day.    “What’s the secret to a happy marriage?”  “What lessons have you learned from your years?”  were just a few questions presented that evening.

Then the conversation turned to Tom, my financé. He shared his thoughts on the ingredients for a happy marriage.  He explained how marriage required more than a 50/50 partnership. He elaborated on his 100/100 thesis.  Because we were all Christ followers at the table, we understood our Lord’s example of service and pouring himself out selflessly to mankind.   We also keenly knew that Christ’s giving was that of 100% even to the point of death.  Our Lord’s example was one of Giving, Serving, and  Loving– all the non-negotiables of a Christian marriage. Tom’s wisdom was  well thought out, biblically accurate and far beyond his years.

It was this discussion that set the stage for our marriage and yes, 34 years of marital harmony. 

But in full disclosure, there have been times of conflict especially when self and one’s sinful desires and pride get in the way.  Can I honestly tell you that I’ve wholeheartedly followed my Lord’s example, that I’ve given 100 % or that that I’ve been willing to serve sacrificially even when I didn’t feel like it?  In honesty, I’ve failed so many times but the beauty is that as Christ forgives, as does my darling Godly husband.  

Perhaps you are contemplating marriage or are having some marriage struggles that are discouraging you.   Wherever you are, just know that the Lord hears your prayers, knows your thoughts, and wants to direct your paths.  He promises to transform you into His likeness, but you have to be willing.

As Tom and I celebrate 34 years together, I’ve put together three very basic principles. In fact, these principles can be used in any relationship.   Let’s take a baby step at a time.

1. Communication:

Make time to talk to each other daily. This is the glue to provides cohesiveness to decision making.  But communication is not only with your spouse but ALSO your CREATOR. 

My morning starts off before the rooster crows with time with my Lord in prayer and reading His Word.  My time with the Lord is vital to getting me through the stresses of the day.   It is only after my time with my Lord, that I have my” hubbie time” where Tom and I find an area and have our coffee time.  When we were raising the kids we needed to be on the same page and communication was vital.  

Then, there was a period of a few years that I cared for my parents while Tom oversaw the last of our kids through High School. We lived  three hours a part, a few days each week but made sure we found a quiet space and had a virtual coffee time together. In this newest chapter of our life, we continue our routine of morning coffee.  

Infact, it is even more vital as we are actively connecting and serving numerous groups within our community. We need to be on the same page. I look forward to our mornings and my time with my bestfriend, soulmate, confident and husband.

2. Encouragement & Respect.

“Let no unwholesome words come out of my mouth”.  This is easier said than done.

One of Tom’s goals is to help me become most like Christ.   This is hard when you are dealing with a stubborn individual like me. In fact, I’ve been called many things (by those other than my spouse), like a bull in a china shop or even barracuda.   Yet Tom graciously and  lovingly encourages me to be the best I can be. 

When was the last time you challenged your spouse to be all they could be?  Was it filled with words of encouragement, and love? 

We have a phrase in our house, and it’s called “TERMITS”.  You know what they are.   Now imagine those sarcastic putdown words that are sometimes sprinkled into a discussion.  When termites sneak into your conversation, they begin to eat away at the very core of your spouse’s soul.

3. SERVE; always look to the needs of others. Now be honest, who feels like serving others when you’ve had a crummy day?   Who feels like getting up out of your comfy chair after a long day when your spouse needs something?  You can fill in the blank, you know what I’m talking about.   But my question to you; what was the example of service illustrated in the life of our Lord? 

Serve is not a respected word in our society.  Those in service are often maligned and spit on.  We live in a society where it is easy to quit, get a divorce, find another.  This is not taught in schools——— love others, wash their feet, clean up their messes and serve them unconditionally.  Yet, you and I are called to serve our spouses 100%.  This is something that is personally hard because I often give to others, overlooking the needs of my dear husband.   It’s not easy and it’s non-negotiable, but if you want your marriage to be God-honoring, it’s a command.. 

“Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves. Don’t be concerned only about your own interests, but also be concerned about the interests of others.  Have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” Philippians 2:3-5

As for marriage tips, yes, there are tons of other things I could elaborate on– wisdom gleaned from my years of marriage but I’m not ready to write that book yet.   I’m still learning, processing, and transforming into the woman I’ve been called to be.

So dear friend, whatever struggle you are going through right now please remember that it is only the Lord who transform hearts.  You cannot change your spouse but with Christ dwelling within you, He can transform you into the Godly wife (or husband) you are called to be and you can be an example.

If you would like some resources for further study, reach out to me.  There are several authors, books and resources that I highly recommend.  Blessings!